Wednesday, December 19, 2012

FatCat's Guide to the Apocalypse

It’s the moment of truth, the last few days left on earth. That’s what the Mayans said, so it must be true. It’s not like they sacrificed their own people or threw corpses into their own drinking water to make the gods happy. Crap! According to the Discovery Channel last night they did do that. Well if we’re taking advice from those guys, I guess we’ll believe anything so here is FatCat’s Guide to the Apocalypse. Did I mention there are Mayan carvings that show they planned a celebration for their former deified king in the year 4000 and something. That’s way past December 21, 2012 but we’ll go ahead and ride this “end of the Mayan calendar” apocalypse thing out anyhow.

What sort of apocalypse could this be? I’m voting for zombies. Some other possibilities that I feel would be complete devastation are super volcanos and solar flares. Of course there could be tidal waves, earthquakes, and super storms but that wouldn’t mean the end of life as we know it. So let’s concentrate on surviving zombies, volcanos, and solar flares. I’ve done extensive research (not) and have put together this list of survival tips…well let’s call them enjoyment tips for the apocalypse.

First off we’ll be discussing surviving a solar flare. A solar flare will theoretically destroy all electronic devices sending us 30 years into the past. Imagine the devastation when your Ipod will not function! How can we possibly survive!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! OK, I guess the real problem is all of our utilities have been computerized which means no water treatment, no running water, no electricity (which the grids would probably be inoperable anyhow), and no Netflix. The fun thing about a solar flare is it would probably take people a week to a week and a half to start freaking out. We would probably be lied to at first saying that it’s no big deal it will be fixed in a couple of days. It would take roughly a week for people to run out of supplies and start to panic. You most likely wouldn’t have a job to go to while there is no power so you could actually tail gate the end of the world with this apocalypse. My suggestion is to stock up on something a little lighter so you can make it through the entire week before people try to bludgeon you for supplies. Perhaps start off with a couple cases of Ska True Blonde or some other canned craft brew. The cans are easier to transport and keep cold so you can wheel a cooler around and enjoy the scenery while being in a cheery semi-drunk end of the world daze. You would want to transition to something a little heavier, like Old Rasputin or Oak Aged Yeti as the week progresses. You might want to speak with the reverend, Elijah Craig, to offer you some comfort in these trying times. By the end of the week you want to be completely wasted so you won’t have to pay attention when society crumples. You would want to make sure your beverage is in a glass bottle at this point so you can break it and use it as a weapon.

Next, we’ll be surviving a zombie apocalypse. I know what you’re thinking, “FatCat really? A zombie apocalypse? That’s only in movies dummy.” Well there have been several reports of zombie-like activity around the world recently. People eating other people for no apparent reason. The guy in Miami with no previous mental health issues, clean criminal record, and no history of hard drug use who chewed off a homeless guys face while police fired repeated rounds into him. Red flag. Of course there would be a cover-up if this virus actually existed and the public would be completely in the dark until it was too late. Hell it would probably be weaponized before the scientists could take off their rubber gloves. So what do we do? Well to survive in a zombie world you have to think and act like a zombie. This means you would start hard and fast to inhibit motor skills and reasoning. I personally would break into my Zombie Apocalypse imperial stout stash and start there. For those who don’t have a Zombie Apocalypse imperial stout stash of their own, pick up some Avery The Czar because how fun would it be to be a Russian zombie? From here you would want to hit the hard stuff as well, perhaps some Wild Turkey 101 or some Booker’s. If you are squeamish with hard liquor, pick up some Southern Comfort 100 proof, a certifiable candy infused middle finger in a bottle. Throw some steaks on the grill because what zombie doesn’t enjoy some medium rare meat? You wouldn’t really want to let your flesh rot to smell like a zombie so we’ll throw down some cover scent with a good cigar. Grab one of my favorite cigars of all time, the Oliva Serie V torpedo and fire it up. Even if the cigar cover scent thing doesn’t work, you’ll die smoking an awesome cigar! If you survive the first day, repeat.

Finally, we have to worry about a super volcano erupting. According to Discovery Channel last night (yes Discovery Channel is taking full advantage of this crap and even had Samuel L Jackson narrating one of the apocalypse shows, that’s right motherf*cker) we would have to worry about Yosemite spewing a Los Angeles sized magma ball into the atmosphere. This would effectively blanket the entire United States in toxic ash. In addition to the entire U.S. being extinct, the jet stream would carry this ash worldwide making us a close relative of the dinosaur. You might as well grab a bottle of your finest and kiss your ass good bye if this happens. I would recommend some Pappy Van Winkle (yeah I can’t find it either) or some George T Stagg. I know what you’re thinking, “What if we live in underground bunkers?” Well my theory is by the time it would be safe to re-surface there would be aliens already living on Earth. These aliens would then re-invent the classic arcade favorite, Whac-A-Mole.

If you follow the steps outlined above, I guarantee you will Survive enjoy the end of the world as we know it. If the world doesn’t end and you wake up with a hangover, relax it’s Friday, it’s not like you were going to work that hard anyway.


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