Sunday, January 13, 2013

DUI While Riding a Snake?

I recently uncovered top secret information regarding some new technological advances coming out in the not so distant future.  It all started when I came across a top secret article which unleashes information about a toilet training Ipad “accessory”, Motorhead headphones, Hapifork, and rideable robotic spiders.  What about new top secret break through in beer drinking technology?  Yep it’s here too!  I know what you’re thinking, “FatCat, if you break news of this top secret info won’t the MIBs come and banish you to a dark hole?”  I’m willing to take the risk to inform my friends here on the site.

The iPotty is a perfect accessory to any man cave.  Have to put your beer down to run to the can?  Heck no.  Put this in the corner and you and your buddies can take a leak while enjoying content on your iPad or equivalent less expensive Android device.  What do you mean it’s for potty training?  I think the company is completely missing the mark in their marketing department.

Dr. Dre slapped his name on the Beats Audio brand and whammo $400.00 headphones.  Now step in Lemmy Kilmister and Motorhead headphones are born.  What was the criteria for these headphones?  According to Kilmister “I just said make them louder than everybody else’s” and “Their (Motorhead fans) hearing is already damaged, they better buy these.”  How can you deny this ingeniously brutal truth in advertising?

HAPIfork is a fork programmed to keep you from shoving food in your pie whole too quickly.  If you eat to fast, this fork will manifest a 3d likeness of Richard Simmons doing jumping jacks in the nude.  Ok I made the Richard Simmons thing up but the fork will vibrate to warn you that you are eating too fast.  This way you can shove calorie laden food into your pie whole at a moderate pace.

The next technological announcement makes me want to sell my vehicle and my house so that I can live out a childhood dream of being in a real life Mad Max.  Here it is a giant, rideable, 5mph, $26,000.00, robotic spider.  Yes I could walk to work faster than this but holy crap would you look awesome.  If spiders aren’t your thing how about a giant, rideable, probably slower than 5mph because they didn’t list the speed, $70,000.00, robotic snake.  My house is officially for sale!  Imagine the dash cam video of your DUI riding one of these bad boys, priceless.

Here it is, the biggest advancement in bigger drinking technology in recent memory, a smart phone based breathalyzer.  The Breathometer is either a gift from the beer drinking gods or the devil in disguise.  At an estimated $19.99 I’m sure a lot of people are going to figure out which one, me included.  On the positive side, the Breathometer can be used to help you gauge your intoxication level.  Have trouble with blacking out?  Fear not, this could be the solution to your temporary amnesia.  Do you wonder if the couple of beers you just drank will be your exclusive invitation to a one night stay at your local police department?  This could help to a certain extent.  While the above mentioned reasons could be a godsend, this technology also has the potential to be used for evil.  It does mention that there is no “sharing” ability built into the app which is probably a smart choice.  However, when you are drinking with a group of friends sans facebook this could become a dangerous game of one-up-manship.  The other potential problem I see with this technology is the fact that the police officer pulling you over for DUI will not care how drunk your cell phone says you’re not.  Here is how I imagine it would go:

Me: “Mr. Ossifer my cell phone says I should be able to walk that straight line I stumbled off of so I think you should let me go. 

Mr Ossifer: “Oh that’s interesting.  Try to get your hands up around your head so when I taser you you will not hit your head on the asphalt.” 

Me: “That doesn’t sound like a fair sobriety test…” 

Mr Ossifer: “Come on why did you piss yourself?  It was only 50,000 volts, now I’m going to have to hose out my patrol car.


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