I recently uncovered top secret information regarding some
new technological advances coming out in the not so distant future. It all started when I came across a top
secret Yahoo.com article which unleashes information about a toilet training
Ipad “accessory”, Motorhead headphones, Hapifork, and rideable robotic spiders. What about new top secret break through in
beer drinking technology? Yep it’s here
too! I know what you’re thinking, “FatCat,
if you break news of this top secret info won’t the MIBs come and banish you to
a dark hole?” I’m willing to take the
risk to inform my friends here on the site.
The iPotty is a perfect accessory to any man cave. Have to put your beer down to run to the
can? Heck no. Put this in the corner and you and your
buddies can take a leak while enjoying content on your iPad or equivalent less
expensive Android device. What do you
mean it’s for potty training? I think
the company is completely missing the mark in their marketing department.
Dr. Dre slapped his name on the Beats Audio brand and whammo
$400.00 headphones. Now step in Lemmy
Kilmister and Motorhead headphones are born.
What was the criteria for these headphones? According to Kilmister “I just said make them
louder than everybody else’s” and “Their (Motorhead fans) hearing is already
damaged, they better buy these.” How can
you deny this ingeniously brutal truth in advertising?
HAPIfork is a fork programmed to keep you from shoving food
in your pie whole too quickly. If you
eat to fast, this fork will manifest a 3d likeness of Richard Simmons doing
jumping jacks in the nude. Ok I made the
Richard Simmons thing up but the fork will vibrate to warn you that you are
eating too fast. This way you can shove
calorie laden food into your pie whole at a moderate pace.
The next technological announcement makes me want to sell my
vehicle and my house so that I can live out a childhood dream of being in a
real life Mad Max. Here it is a giant,
rideable, 5mph, $26,000.00, robotic spider.
Yes I could walk to work faster than this but holy crap would you look
awesome. If spiders aren’t your thing
how about a giant, rideable, probably slower than 5mph because they didn’t list
the speed, $70,000.00, robotic snake. My
house is officially for sale! Imagine
the dash cam video of your DUI riding one of these bad boys, priceless.
Here it is, the biggest advancement in bigger drinking
technology in recent memory, a smart phone based breathalyzer. The Breathometer is either a gift from the
beer drinking gods or the devil in disguise.
At an estimated $19.99 I’m sure a lot of people are going to figure out
which one, me included. On the positive
side, the Breathometer can be used to help you gauge your intoxication
level. Have trouble with blacking
out? Fear not, this could be the
solution to your temporary amnesia. Do
you wonder if the couple of beers you just drank will be your exclusive invitation
to a one night stay at your local police department? This could help to a certain extent. While the above mentioned reasons could be a
godsend, this technology also has the potential to be used for evil. It does mention that there is no “sharing”
ability built into the app which is probably a smart choice. However, when you are drinking with a group
of friends sans facebook this could become a dangerous game of
one-up-manship. The other potential
problem I see with this technology is the fact that the police officer pulling
you over for DUI will not care how drunk your cell phone says you’re not. Here is how I imagine it would go:
Me: “Mr. Ossifer my cell phone says I should be able to walk
that straight line I stumbled off of so I think you should let me go.
Mr Ossifer: “Oh that’s interesting. Try to get your hands up around your head so
when I taser you you will not hit your head on the asphalt.”
Me: “That doesn’t sound like a fair sobriety test…”
Mr Ossifer: “Come on why did you piss yourself? It was only 50,000 volts, now I’m going to have
to hose out my patrol car.
Cheers!
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